Triggers that could throw me far far away and being that prediction is not part of my illness I just don't know where I'll land.
I feel like we've been on this horizon of greatness for so long. Meeting new people and branching out in a way that made living in this place more tolerable. But now, on the verge of that greatness - the bottom has fallen out and I feel like the coyote in the cartoon that keeps running off the cliff and it just takes him a while to realize that there is no ground underneath him anymore.
Funny thing about that coyote is that he always falls but he never dies. Literally, he falls through boulders and deep into the ground and then just keeps running. I hope that's what happens. Maybe I'll run mid air for a while and when I fall I'll just get back up and keep running. I think this is the best example of a mixed episode I've ever had. I feel like things are the best and the worst that they've ever been and that's so completely confusing.
If things go the way that I think they will my life will change forever. My family will change forever. My dreams will change forever. For now the only thing I can do is wait. I don't want to make plans or try to come up with a solution for every possible scenario that could play out. I just want to remember this time right now for what it is in it's most simple and beautiful form. I want to remain true to myself and I want the people that I love to do the same even if that means that being true to ourselves tears us apart. I want to invest in myself and find things that I love right now so when it happens I won't be lost. Of course I'll be lost though, no hobby or friend or long walk will help me not be lost when and if this change comes. I said I didn't want to do this. I need to just think about right now. Right now I wake up beside the woman of my dreams and she is beautiful and soft and that is what I want to remember.